Set up the mics, turn up the volume.
Everybody present, say "here" when I call you:
Schaffer? Yep. Beef? Hello.
Bought three movie tickets, got the front row.
Act I. Our plucky hero's home town:
Middle Americana, not a problem to be found.
A single dad of one son with a dog just trying his
best to make ends meet as a disaster scientist.
One day he stumbles upon some horrifying evidence.
Our hero decides, "I must inform the president."
"Even though you seem to know exactly what you talk about,
I don't think at this point in the plot I am going to hear you out.
But Washington's in fallout, can't return to my home.
There's flash floods, earthquakes. I pick up the red phone.
You get this ragtag team made of washed out marines
and Dr. Jennie Marie, she studies weather extremes.
It's a disaster, it's a disaster
whenever you've got three nerd rappers.
Act II. Molten lava is chasing them around.
Big blue bolts of lightning spring up from underground.
But our hero and his team have some hope for a cure:
"If we can just get this crew into the center of the earth,
we can install a nuclear device then detonate it.
My findings indicate that this will stave off devastation."
"I might have given in to my pride (that is my sin)
but take this check and shake my hand, 'cause you always trust a Whitesican."
"Sir, you won't regret it. Launch your finest satellite.
Arm it with a laser canon aimed upon the blast site
to activate the nuke. But the clock is counting down.
We need to act fast as our time is running out."
Meanwhile: hurricanes, tidal waves, floods.
Sun flares cause it to seem to rain blood.
The President just got crushed by an asteroid.
And the plucky hero's son? "Run faster, boy!"
Last Act. Son makes it, dog doesn't.
Odds may be stacked against the team. They discuss it.
A last ditch effort hangs heavy on our hero's mind:
"Blowing up the planet is the only hope for humankind."
And to his leading lady, "There is something I must say..."
"Hey, you and me can wait, I want to have another yesterday.
Sources say the Kremlin can take us into orbit.
Go to space, fix the lasers. And the earth: we can restore it."
"That's it! A crazy plan, but we have to try.
The time is nigh, gather up supplies, we must survive!"
They head out for Russia in a little rowboat,
get menaced by glaciers, almost bite it but don't.
At the last moment a decision to be made:
there's the love or the boy, only one can get saved.
If he thinks too long, whole globe is in peril.
If you don't shed a tear at the end your heart's sterile.