The Plot Summary Of The Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes
This is not technically a bootleg review since I paid for a 48-hour rental on Amazon, but I did watch it at like 480p blown up to fullscreen so it was pretty similar to watching it embedded on a russian pharmacy affiliate link traffic funnel page.
This plot summary is written in tribute to Gabe's 'The Hunt For The Worst Movie Of All Time' while that feature is on hiatus.
Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes
Poor James Franco. His dad John Lithgow has a disease. It is called THE DISEASE throughout but also at some point accidentally called Alzheimer's, and obviously it's Alzheimer's because when it's acting up John Lithgow can't play piano excellently or hold his fork the right direction. So obviously James Franco is devoting his life to developing and testing a new ANTI THE DISEASE drug called one-twelve. One-twelve has no side effects. Except that it makes test chimps into noble revolutionaries. Oops!
Our man's reporting his success to a group of people in business suits that is both the governing body of the drug company and a set of potential investors(?) when his powerpoint presentation goes so poorly that testing is discontinued and all the apes are put to death. Doctor(?) Franco heads home in defeat, pausing only to adopt a newborn chimp who's already received ape-smartening chemicals prenatally. Oh, right! One-twelve! He takes some of that home too in case he wants to give it to his dying father. After three years he figures, sure. Why not.
His dad has an immediate total recovery! But our boy is cagey, and keeps this wildly exciting CURE FOR ALZHEIMER'S a secret. Perhaps he is hardened by years of subterfuge — his grim duty of protecting and hiding the stolen chimp Caesar. Caesar of course is the smartest ape on the planet, wears clothes, enjoys a gym at home but prefers trips to the redwoods, is protective of John Lithgow, pummels a neighbor, and winds up in an intensely implausible ape prison in San Bruno.
Sure, it's posh upstairs, but down on the cell block it is all cruel guards and corrupt wardens. You get mush and hay and if you complain you get the hose. Caesar leans his head against his drawing of a window and dreams of home.
Instead of rescuing his chimp son, James Franco reports to his mean boss that one-twelve made his dad smarter than HE EVEN WAS BEFORE HE HAD ALZHEIMER'S, which means obviously that research is back on and it's time to load up on chimps. Some of these are deliveries from the same ape jail where Caesar lives, so apparently it is an ape jail SLASH test monkey emporium, but when James Franco comes to bail him out, Caesar opts to remain. He would rather escape on his own, steal smart drugs from the fridge, break BACK into ape jail, dose up an army of supergenius ape guerrillas, liberate the drug lab, liberate the zoo (though only the primate exhibit? why not share your smart gas, ape dicks?), and then lead his cohort toward primatey paradise (Sausalito, I think).
It's a panic on the Golden Gate! The apes whoop ass on the police, mercilessly killing the mean boss from the drug company (who's helping shoot at them from a helicopter for some reason), then trundle off into freedom's bosom.
James Franco is only momentarily confused when, in the sun-dappled glade of their final farewell, Caesar speaks English. "This film is terrible and I have not looked like a real living creature for even one frame of it, but I'd like you to trust that all of us CGI apes belong here, in Sausalito, and not in your attic."
James Franco makes a few more hilarious acting faces and they part in peace. Except: his recent upgrade of the Alzheimer's cure ALSO escaped the lab and is super poisonous and now the whole human race will be wiped out in several weeks. Oops again! Cue credits.