No matter what sort of French accent you affect, saying "I'm unemployed" does not sound dashing. It looks even lamer written on a business card. Never you fret. We have your best interests waffling through our feeble minds here at xzackly.com. (read = we're unemployed).

Thanks to us you can play pro and mingle successfully at parties you're supposed to be catering. Take a look at this handy list of viable, sexy, and mostly unverifiable professions, choose one or two you like, then whip up your own business cards. It's easier than working!

We recommend lime text on high-gloss hunter's orange for maximum effect. Also drawing them by hand with crayon on butcher's paper works good. Under no circumstances should you include emoticons. Ever.

Welcome to Job Security!:

Tool of the Man
Marital Aid
Patsy
Re-Animator
Star Fucker
Alarmist
Monkey Butler
Sacrificial Offering
Business Card Distributor
No-Account Souse
Idiot Man-Child
Chicken Sexer
Expert
Bullfighter
Methane Producer
Welfare Collector
Lecherous Wino
Woo Pitcher
Hermaphrodite
Viking
Marital Aid
Wet Nurse
Underpants Nun
Human Shield
Third Wheel
Pretentious Bastard
Doppelganger
Hair Surgeon
Anachronism
Opportunist
Casual Acquaintance
Some Guy
Chief Eunuch
Centurion
Prince of Darkness
Drug Mule
Phrenologist
Native Speaker
Railroad Tycoon
Grave Robber
Organ Donor
Test Subject
Village Idiot
Sidekick
Wacky Neighbor
Scourge of the Midwest
Contagious
Vice-Pope
Conquistador
Nothing-Wallah
Criminal Mastermind
False God
Drinking Buddy